Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My thoughts on vampires, let me show them to you.

What? Vampires are creatures of magic, right? Magic isn't always pretty, sometimes it is frightening. Vampires have long held a high place in the realm of public fascination. To me, vampires are like sharks. They are mesmerizing and fascinating, but you wouldn't want to be next to one, because they would kill you.

I forget exactly how this train of thought coalesced, but it started with wanting to watch ‘Predators’ in the theater again (because I am not normal and because Adrien Brody is fine). I can’t, though, because it is not in my local theaters anymore. It’s gone after only being out a month. But do you know what is still in theaters after 3 months? Yes. ‘Twilight.’ ‘Twilight’ has ruined my life.

OK, not really. I’m only mad because I do not understand the appeal of an emotionally stunted 100 year old “vampire” who still goes to high school and generally acts like a grumpy pre-teen. I know some people like that, and that’s fine, but I don’t.

But why? Why are so many girls and women clamoring over something so implausible and, quite frankly, insulting as these books? The chances of finding a sparkly emo vampire are far more remote than being kidnapped by intergalactic game hunters, and I personally think it is far more frightening.

What happened to vampires? How did a creature of pure malevolence and evil turn into these twee, diamond crusted imitations? I suppose Bela Lugosi may be to blame. His portrayal of Dracula started the trend of making vampires sophisticated nobles, rather than twisted nightmares. Certainly, Frank Langella didn’t help either with his 70’s coif and come-hither eyes. Then there is Ann Rice and her brood of misunderstood immortals. However, even though they are romantic and beautiful, they are still vampires who relish in draining the life from their victims. Then along came ‘Twilight.’ Thanks, S. Meyers. You’ve taken something elemental and turned it into a disco ball.

Where are all the real vampires hiding? Where is the sense of dread that used to come on a foggy night, when the cries of beasts made the blood run cold? Where are the nightmares that haunt the mind and prey on the superstitious? Where are those creatures of the old legends?

Do you want to find out?


  1. Oh how I feel you on this!
    A friend of mine named her parrot "Bella" after, of course Bella Swan. (Yes, I did throw up in my mouth a little the first time she told me that.)

    Come to find out, almost two years later, that her parrot was a 'he', not a 'she'. She still calls him "Bela" after Bela Lugosi.

    Either way, I still feel bad for the bird.

  2. Relief is what this post gave me. When and why did vampires and werewolves became emo and cosmo cover folds?

  3. Watch "Nosferatu the Vampyre" starring Klaus Kinski. 1979 West German horror This is what I judge the rest by.

  4. I hope I can live up to my promise to deliver some good old fashioned vampire fiction. At least I can promise you now that my vampires will not sparkle!

  5. Good. I'm glad your vampires won't sparkle.