A Misanthrope’s Guide to Making Magic at the Office Holiday Party

I was striving for something reflective and meaningful for this week’s post, but I decided to go with something more in line with my personality.

• On the way to the party, listen to holiday techno, like Joy Electric, in an attempt to put yourself in a better humor. Ultimately, it will fail, but you can say you tried.
• Take along a potato gun for launching ornaments at the karaoke Christmas caroler.
• Imagine your favorite literary characters crashing the party. I like to think of a Wild Thing eating up the witch in the short, electric-blue dress. A close second is an invasion by the cast of The Hunger Games and a re-creation of their arena in the Omni ballroom.
• Cough loudly at the hors d’oeuvres buffet and tell people you’re getting over swine flu, leprosy, and tuberculosis.
• Now that you have the food to yourself, there is a special treat for those of you with orthodontic apparatus. Collect cocktail toothpicks, the ones with the frilly ends add a festive touch, and turn them into projectiles using the rubber bands on your braces. For extra fun, dip them in hot sauce from the Tex-Mex table before firing.
• Consider prepping for the cocktail dress by shaving your legs sometime during the preceding three weeks. If you prefer to keep your winter coat, string tinsel and twinkle lights through it and say it’s your impression of a Fraser fur.
• Take the control top pantyhose that have been cutting off your circulation all night and use them to garrote the woman who is trying to convince you child birth is the “most amazing thing.”
• If the proud, picture-showing parents descend, announce that you think children are parasitic lumps of flesh that latch on and suck your will to live for the next—at least—eighteen years.
• Try the Electric Slide using a stun gun.
• Three words: Steal. The. Booze.
• Only hide the liquid cheer after you’ve seen a room full of white-collar yuppies do the chicken dance and YMCA. For extra points, snap a photo and slide it into their annual evaluation.
• Go for post-party cheesecake. Bribery in any form is always appreciated, especially if you’re the date of the person who actually belongs to this motley.

So, how would you make magic at the party?

Disclaimer: In no way am I advocating actual bodily harm. Being snarky, however, is condoned and even encouraged.